i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
