If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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