Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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