you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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