I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
