I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
