You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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