And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
