My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
