barbara walters just said penis...
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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