so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
