i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize