i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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