We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
