I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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