I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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