eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
