I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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