College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
