Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
