Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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