Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
