I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sarcasm needs its own font
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
