i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Girls should come with a carfax report
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
