I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
