He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
