I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
