Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
