Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
