I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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