Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
