Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
