I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
