my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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