don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
