hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just cropdusted the office
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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