I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
