I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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