You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
