thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
