when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
