i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
