I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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