My cat gives me a boner
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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