Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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