Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
