so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
