Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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