I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
