I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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