The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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