just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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