I am puke
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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